Recently, things in my life have changed a little bit. Old friends leave, and new friends come. And as much as I have tried to prevent the latter...I guess there are just some things that are predestined.
Here is a recent letter I penned, hoping to give it to said old friend, but instead of prolonging hope that things might get better, I surrendered and kept the letter to myself. But I do think it is pretty damn eloquent so I had to share it with someone :)
"I’m sorry for a lot of things in my life. I am. I’m a human though and I make mistakes. I’m sorry that you hate me. I’m sorry that we’re not friends anymore. I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t talk to me when I ask you a question as simple as “how was your summer?” I’m sorry that I’m incredibly passionate about my art. I’m sorry that you feel the need to act awkward every time we are around each other. I’m sorry that I keep trying to save this.
But I am also not sorry for a lot of things in my life. I’m not sorry I joined the opera. I’m not sorry I am involved in something I love and dream about all the time. Just like teaching defines you in certain ways, music completely defines me. I’m not sorry that I like making friends and that I’m a social person, because I feel like I’ve made some of the best friends in the world. I’m not sorry that I went to Germany, it was wonderful. And I’m not sorry for trying to smile everyday and act like everything is still normal.
You can blame me, go ahead. But please just know that I tried as best I could. When you asked me to try, I did it the only way I knew how and that might not have been how you would’ve done it, but I’m not you. I am my own person, and we do things completely different.
I know that I am a good friend. I might falter from time to time, but I don’t deserve to be labeled as a shitty friend. I don’t. I know that there are people that love me in this world more than I can ever hope for, and I will love them back with all of my heart. So please, ask yourself if you are really trying to preserve a relationship, or if you are trying to make me suffer more. Because I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore. I have too many good things in my life to be grateful for. I don’t need this anymore, this ongoing awkward “relationship.” Yes you have been there for me through dark times, very dark times. But remember I have been there for you too. I have been your only friend in times when you needed it the most.
So coming to you as that once loved friend, please stop. Please let me be. We might never be friends again and that is painful, but lets make a clean cut. Let’s stop for both of our sakes. I ask that you please respect my wishes and I will respect you in return."
So who knows what the future brings, and for that matter who really wants to know. Isn't the point of the "future" to be surprised by all the good and the bad? So I surrender to my future and I am going to let life take me where it wants to go. Because life is much to short to try and control the inevitable. Just let things happen, because they are going to anyway.
-Lex
No comments:
Post a Comment