Sometimes the tears just need to fall...

I really don't know what has come over me! I am doing this 30 day song challenge on the big FB, and today I was supposed to post a song that reminds me of something sad. I of course immediately go to my itunes searching through songs that evoke some sense of sadness in me, and at first I can't find anything! I mean I am a generally happy person, just ask any of my friends! I don't really like moping around. I mean don't get me wrong, I can be a total crybaby when watching movies or TV shows, but normally I curl up into a ball on the couch as silent tears roll down my face. It's only when I start to sniff that my friends notice and then start to make fun of my pathetic(ness). But as I was looking through playlist after playlist, suddenly I just heard "I can only Imagine" by MercyMe, and the silent tears just started falling. That's the weird thing about music. We can be suppressing feelings for days, or sometimes in my case months, and when we hear just one note of a simple intro, those feelings escape whether we want them to or not. Music brings out the honesty and I love that, well except for the fact that I now have a stuffy nose from crying.

Not very many people know this about me, just my close friends or people I went to high school with, but when I was a senior in high school, my two best friends were in a horrible car crash and just as I had started to drift off into sleep, I heard the phone ring, the muffled sounds of my father answering, and then it all went in slow motion. He hung up the phone, slowly began to walk down the stairs, and then there was the gentle knock on my door followed by the words no one ever wants to hear, "Lexie, baby I need to talk to you. Kayla and Mayan have been in an accident, and...Kayla...she didn't make it." I can honestly say that it was the single most worst night of my life. I have never felt so helpless or so...words can't even begin to describe.... So there is a reason that I suppress that, and don't let people know about it. I mean it isn't exactly a conversation starter. The thing that I find the most surprising though is that the pain is still very much there, and it certainly hits me at the most random times...like tonight. So when I heard that song, it reminded me of Kay's funeral, because it was played there, and it is like in just an instance I am placed right back in that room, completely exhausted and devoid of any emotions, and everyone is staring at me waiting to see me cry. Ugh...I remember that all I wanted to do in that moment, was go back to my house and just lock myself in my room and cry for hours.

So now, after hearing a song like that, I just go back to that feeling. And well now...here I am. Eyes puffy, a case of the sniffles, and yeah...that was depressing.

Now I need to go watch the office!

Wow. I really do suck at this.

I mean seriously. Last November was my last blog post?! Well in all fairness, I did warn you all of my ADD...at least I think I did...who knows, I may have been to distracted :)

Well I just got back from the most magical place on earth, that's right, Disneyland! And let me tell you...I wish I were still there. I don't know, it's weird. There is just something about that place that makes me feel right at home and complete. It sounds beyond cheesy I know, but I can't explain it. I guess I have just always been predestined to work there I guess :) Well we'll see... Hopefully one day my dream can come true. It is actually quite terrifying to think of what may become of my life in a year from now. I mean if you think about it, we work all of our lives towards this one end point, a career, and we never take our eyes off of the training and the dreams, but when the moment comes...we're scared to leap. I am at least. I mean for the past 22 years of my life I've been working towards one singular goal, and now I have to stop preparing and just go for it. Who wouldn't be scared by that?!

It's just crazy to think about really. I mean I can say that I am going to go off and sing my heart out, be the most accomplished performer in the world, but who knows how far I'll actually go before I decide to turn around? Hopefully I won't. Hopefully I'll keep reaching and striving for my dreams to come true until all of them have. Hopefully. Until now, I suppose I'll continue to remain terrified and feign that ever lingering confidence all too well, and hopefully no one will notice. Hopefully I will start to believe in that confidence. Only time can tell I guess.

Terrifying I tell you.