Sometimes the tears just need to fall...

I really don't know what has come over me! I am doing this 30 day song challenge on the big FB, and today I was supposed to post a song that reminds me of something sad. I of course immediately go to my itunes searching through songs that evoke some sense of sadness in me, and at first I can't find anything! I mean I am a generally happy person, just ask any of my friends! I don't really like moping around. I mean don't get me wrong, I can be a total crybaby when watching movies or TV shows, but normally I curl up into a ball on the couch as silent tears roll down my face. It's only when I start to sniff that my friends notice and then start to make fun of my pathetic(ness). But as I was looking through playlist after playlist, suddenly I just heard "I can only Imagine" by MercyMe, and the silent tears just started falling. That's the weird thing about music. We can be suppressing feelings for days, or sometimes in my case months, and when we hear just one note of a simple intro, those feelings escape whether we want them to or not. Music brings out the honesty and I love that, well except for the fact that I now have a stuffy nose from crying.

Not very many people know this about me, just my close friends or people I went to high school with, but when I was a senior in high school, my two best friends were in a horrible car crash and just as I had started to drift off into sleep, I heard the phone ring, the muffled sounds of my father answering, and then it all went in slow motion. He hung up the phone, slowly began to walk down the stairs, and then there was the gentle knock on my door followed by the words no one ever wants to hear, "Lexie, baby I need to talk to you. Kayla and Mayan have been in an accident, and...Kayla...she didn't make it." I can honestly say that it was the single most worst night of my life. I have never felt so helpless or so...words can't even begin to describe.... So there is a reason that I suppress that, and don't let people know about it. I mean it isn't exactly a conversation starter. The thing that I find the most surprising though is that the pain is still very much there, and it certainly hits me at the most random times...like tonight. So when I heard that song, it reminded me of Kay's funeral, because it was played there, and it is like in just an instance I am placed right back in that room, completely exhausted and devoid of any emotions, and everyone is staring at me waiting to see me cry. Ugh...I remember that all I wanted to do in that moment, was go back to my house and just lock myself in my room and cry for hours.

So now, after hearing a song like that, I just go back to that feeling. And well now...here I am. Eyes puffy, a case of the sniffles, and yeah...that was depressing.

Now I need to go watch the office!

Wow. I really do suck at this.

I mean seriously. Last November was my last blog post?! Well in all fairness, I did warn you all of my ADD...at least I think I did...who knows, I may have been to distracted :)

Well I just got back from the most magical place on earth, that's right, Disneyland! And let me tell you...I wish I were still there. I don't know, it's weird. There is just something about that place that makes me feel right at home and complete. It sounds beyond cheesy I know, but I can't explain it. I guess I have just always been predestined to work there I guess :) Well we'll see... Hopefully one day my dream can come true. It is actually quite terrifying to think of what may become of my life in a year from now. I mean if you think about it, we work all of our lives towards this one end point, a career, and we never take our eyes off of the training and the dreams, but when the moment comes...we're scared to leap. I am at least. I mean for the past 22 years of my life I've been working towards one singular goal, and now I have to stop preparing and just go for it. Who wouldn't be scared by that?!

It's just crazy to think about really. I mean I can say that I am going to go off and sing my heart out, be the most accomplished performer in the world, but who knows how far I'll actually go before I decide to turn around? Hopefully I won't. Hopefully I'll keep reaching and striving for my dreams to come true until all of them have. Hopefully. Until now, I suppose I'll continue to remain terrified and feign that ever lingering confidence all too well, and hopefully no one will notice. Hopefully I will start to believe in that confidence. Only time can tell I guess.

Terrifying I tell you.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams...

Recently, things in my life have changed a little bit. Old friends leave, and new friends come. And as much as I have tried to prevent the latter...I guess there are just some things that are predestined.

Here is a recent letter I penned, hoping to give it to said old friend, but instead of prolonging hope that things might get better, I surrendered and kept the letter to myself. But I do think it is pretty damn eloquent so I had to share it with someone :)

"I’m sorry for a lot of things in my life. I am. I’m a human though and I make mistakes. I’m sorry that you hate me. I’m sorry that we’re not friends anymore. I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t talk to me when I ask you a question as simple as “how was your summer?” I’m sorry that I’m incredibly passionate about my art. I’m sorry that you feel the need to act awkward every time we are around each other. I’m sorry that I keep trying to save this.

But I am also not sorry for a lot of things in my life. I’m not sorry I joined the opera. I’m not sorry I am involved in something I love and dream about all the time. Just like teaching defines you in certain ways, music completely defines me. I’m not sorry that I like making friends and that I’m a social person, because I feel like I’ve made some of the best friends in the world. I’m not sorry that I went to Germany, it was wonderful. And I’m not sorry for trying to smile everyday and act like everything is still normal.

You can blame me, go ahead. But please just know that I tried as best I could. When you asked me to try, I did it the only way I knew how and that might not have been how you would’ve done it, but I’m not you. I am my own person, and we do things completely different.

I know that I am a good friend. I might falter from time to time, but I don’t deserve to be labeled as a shitty friend. I don’t. I know that there are people that love me in this world more than I can ever hope for, and I will love them back with all of my heart. So please, ask yourself if you are really trying to preserve a relationship, or if you are trying to make me suffer more. Because I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore. I have too many good things in my life to be grateful for. I don’t need this anymore, this ongoing awkward “relationship.” Yes you have been there for me through dark times, very dark times. But remember I have been there for you too. I have been your only friend in times when you needed it the most.

So coming to you as that once loved friend, please stop. Please let me be. We might never be friends again and that is painful, but lets make a clean cut. Let’s stop for both of our sakes. I ask that you please respect my wishes and I will respect you in return."

So who knows what the future brings, and for that matter who really wants to know. Isn't the point of the "future" to be surprised by all the good and the bad? So I surrender to my future and I am going to let life take me where it wants to go. Because life is much to short to try and control the inevitable. Just let things happen, because they are going to anyway.

-Lex

10 Things I Hate About You!

So yeah, yeah I know...the whole posting something every day didn't really work out as well as I planned... Oh well! Anywho, a few things have happened since my last blog post! For instance...I turned 21!!! FINALLY! It was great, I had a black and white cocktail party at my house and like 40 people showed up which let me tell ya...it was a little cramped. But nonetheless, we had a blast and my invitations were adorable!

And in other news, I am also going to Europe this summer to perform with Opera Europa for 7 WEEKS! It is going to be amazing and I seriously can't wait! Now all I need to do is save up $500...great.

And my final thought of the day is that you all need to go watch 10 Things I Hate About You the TV show! It is totally and completely adorable, especially if you were a fan of the movie, and I was pleasantly surprised! My sister and I stayed up until 1:00 watching the entire season!

Who's your valentine?

So I'm trying this new thing were I try to post at least something everyday...we'll see how that goes...

Anyway...I go through these phases. These "craft" phas

es as they should be called. I am having a phase right now.

Basically what happens is I just come home and get this like crazy urge to do billions and billions of crafts and while I have finished a few, most of the time my urge comes and then passes in about a day. :( For instance, over Christmas I decided that I would make crafts and only crafts for my friends and their christmas presents because it would be cheaper. Little did I know that when it comes to crafts I am kind of a perfectionist and want everything to look as best as it can, so I buy only the best materials which cost a little bit more than expected! But in my defense...my christmas gifts this year were adorable!

This is one that I made for one of my best friends who is going to be an elementary teacher soon and I was pretty happy with how it turned out!

So since it is getting ready to be Valentine's Day I of course want to do Valentine's crafts! My favorite site so far is marthastewart.com! Seriously love her! I mean even though she went to jail...the lady knows how to make a kick-ass wreath! So I went on and looked at some of the crafts she had for Valentine's day and this is what I came up with...

Seriously adorable right?! Oh goodness...this is a problem...

Well I have decided that I am going to choose one and hopefully I will choose the materials from the clearance section :)

Post the love

I came upon this website today called: www.postthelove.com and I would recommend that all of you go on and check it out! It is simply a website where people from all over the world can go on and post random thoughts and memories they have on the love in their lives. There are pictures, poems, videos, you name it!

This particular entry was by Channing Tatum, the actor who created the website, and I found it extremely awe-inspiring and exquisitely beautiful. I totally want to make one now too...

Procrastinate now...don't put it off.

Every once in a while I get inspired...

this is not one of those times.

Hahaha! Just kidding! No but seriously I am inspired.

I haven't shared yet, but I am a music major at my college and I love it, but boy is it a crazy life! You'd think that after three years of this I would get used to it or come up with great procrastination prevention ideas...but sadly that is not the case.

For instance this was my day today...

4:00 AM- Scared half to death from a "Dream" plaque that my best friend Aztec gave me. For some reason I thought your basic push pin would hold it up...guess not.

6:00 AM- First alarm goes off

6:15 AM- Second alarm goes off...this time it's one of the annoying chime ones so that I feel obligated to get up and make it stop

6:20 AM- finally wake up and start to get ready, much to my dismay

7:45 AM- leave house for 8 AM Music History class

7:46 AM- realize that my ice scraper is broken so I resort to scraping off the inch of ice on my windshield with my Fame CD case

7:50 AM- Finally get to class and proceed to learn about classical string quartets... exhilarating let me tell ya

8:50 AM- done with class and hang out with friends till my next class while trying to prepare a presentation for said class...yeah that didn't work out

10:10 AM- Contemporary Issues in Music Education class

11:15 AM- Teaching General Music in the Secondary Levels class

12:20 PM- Concert Choir...where I proceed to mess up our french songs with great enthusiasm

1:25 PM- Finally come home and eat a tortilla...yeah I'm poor what can I say

2:00 PM- Attempt to prepare for my first opera coaching

3:00 PM- Go to the music library to get the music for the lead sheet I need to prepare for tomorrow

3:35 PM- First opera coaching! I've been in opera all three years at college, but this year I got three roles in our spring productions, so I'm a little busy...

5:00 PM- Come home and start on my jazz lead sheet

5:15 PM- Realize that my lead sheet will be a lot harder to write than I intended on it being

5:45 PM- Give up on the lead sheet, to come back at a later time

6:00 PM- Cement my butt on the couch to start mindless surfing on my laptop

Which brings us to now...so yeah. Those procrastination prevention ideas aren't coming along as well as I thought they would.

However I did see this amazing video on my "second mom's" blog of Bobby McFerrrin that brought my inspiration full circle. So in attempt to inspire you all and hopefully make me procrastinate less...here is one of my favorite Bobby McFerrin videos. PS I saw him in concert and it was probably one of the best concerts I have been to in my entire life! If he is ever in your town, GO SEE HIM!!!

Now I shall go work on my lead sheet...but first I need to watch my Monday night television shows...