If you were to sit down and analyze your life what would you come up with? Would you be happy with your failures? Would you be disappointed with your achievements? Would you be regretful of your memories?
As I sit here and begin to explain my crazy explanation of my life the past few years, I always find myself stumbling upon the thoughts that come forward in my mind, and hence confused as to how to put those thoughts into words.
It all started senior year…
Now while trying not to sound like the faceless Moviefone narrator, I laugh at the irony of the phrase because that is what my life has felt like. A movie I mean. As cliché as that seems, it’s true because that is the only way all of this could seem real. I mean I really should stand in line to buy a ticket for the show I call my life.
To offer you a glimpse of what I have called my reality the past few years, here is actually a blog post my senior-self wrote back then after it all happened…enjoy the show.
“Thursday, June 14, 2007
My life thus far...
So it's 11:40pm right now... and for some reason, I've decided to sum up my senior year and how different it has turned out to be than I thought it would. There are a lot of things I don't understand about this year. I don't understand how I did so well in AP English when I only read half of the books, I don't understand why I broke off from my friends, I don't understand why my best friend has left me, I don't understand why although I feel so much pain and sadness inside I still have a smile on my face and act like nothing has happened, and I don't understand why tonight out of all the nights...I have broken down. I never would've believed someone if they had told me three years ago your senior year is going to be the best and the worst year of your life. And I never would've believed that I could grow up so fast in the span of two days. Were has the little girl who would laugh and sing at the top of her lungs gone without a worry or a fear in the world? Why all of a sudden has she been replaced by this woman who is trying to embrace the future but is so afraid of what it might bring.
I decided tonight, for some reason, to type in the precious name of my best friend "Kayla (edited out)" into google and see what came up. Before when the two of us would do this, all we would find were random articles the school has posted about us having good grades or her name would bring up some creepy barbie doll named Kayla. But as I pressed the search button...I started to cry. I didn't find those pages until the 3rd or 4th page. Before them was the news of the crash or her haunting obituary. And the pain came back in full force, like I had received the call two minutes ago. But there was also this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach about what I saw. If some stranger from another school who had maybe heard the story on the news and decided to type in Kayla's name just like I did they wouldn't see the real Kay. All they would be bombarded with is the news of her...death. They wouldn't see her name on the honor roll or her name mentioned in a wonderful volunteer project she did. And that made me feel pain once again.
Never in my life did I think it could happen to me. That some freak accident could happen to my group of friends that would make us grow up instantly. Never again will I be able to get in a car and not be in absolute fear while sitting in the passenger seat. Never again will I be able to look at my high school diploma without wiping a tear away remembering the name called right after mine. Kayla and I since junior high always said we hoped that we could sit by each other at graduation...and I was sitting by her, the seat was just empty. Never again will I be able to drive on that god forsaken road without crying. Never again will I leave the house without saying I love you to every member in my family in fear that those might be my last words. And never will I forget the smiles and laughs and memories that I missed out on with Kayla because I was too stubborn to say I'm sorry that I left. Never will her smile and cute laugh leave my mind.
I didn't think that it was humanly possible to feel so much love for someone and feel so close to someone who isn't your immediate family...but that is the kind of sacred relationship Kay and I had. And I miss her more than anyone will ever know. And now when Mayan and I are laughing and joking about our memories with this beautiful girl...there is always a silence that follows. A silence that is haunting because neither one of us wants to talk about it. Neither one of us wants the other to see us cry. Neither one of us wants to bring back the pain. But there will be a day when we have to. And although I dread that day, I hope Kay will be with us, rubbing us both on the back as we get all of our reactions and emotions out.
Nobody knows why years like this happen, but what I do know is-
-my faith is stronger
-my relationships are cherished
-my days are precious
-my tears I will not wipe away
-my future is unknown
-my past will always be a part of me
-my life thus far has been completely different than what I thought
-my life is now that of an adult
-my story will always revolve around this year
-my story I will tell to any stranger that is willing to hear about this beautiful soul that was with us
-my best friend is gone.
That is my life thus far...and I can't say I wouldn't change anything...but I can say it is what it is, and I will be sure to live my life to the fullest. I love you all, even if I've only talked to you once or caught eyes with you in the hallway, and don't ever forget that. We are all beautiful souls that have been put on this earth to make an impact. Kayla wanted to make a difference in a person's life and she made a difference in thousands of people's lives. I hope I can make a difference in someone's life and have as of inspiring a story as Kayla's life lead.
What will be your difference? How has your life gone thus far? How will YOU make an impact?
Lex
(It's 12:08...it's a new day. Make the most out of it.)”
Don't forget to throw away your popcorn as you leave the theatre.
-Lex
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